For some reason I am feeling unusually cranky and irritable. Not sure why. I started off the day tired and now I am simply irritable. Probably PMS But I’m not always grumpy every month so I don’t know what’s up. Maybe I have been ignoring something. I know I have cleaned and cleared out a lot of clutter but shouldn’t I be feeling better by now? Perhaps I am just having an ‘off’ day and will be okay tomorrow.
My dad offered to pay for me to go once a week in April to my counsellor instead of bi-weekly. Instead of feeling grateful I am defensively annoyed! He’s trying to be helpful and my initial reaction internally is to feel like he thinks I’m nuts. My counsellor is only around for another month before her internship is up, hence my dad’s offer for me to go four times instead of two for the month of April. So why am I feeling defensive? I could likely use the extra two sessions but I don’t like feeling like I’m that ‘desperate’.
The icing on the cake was my dad suggesting I needed more help than my sister which I interpreted as “professional help”, rather than monetary. If I had a job and felt exactly the way I do now he’d think I was fine most likely. Maybe he just doesn’t want me getting depressed because I am unemployed. They’re always talking about unemployment on the t.v. and radio here in a negative manner so maybe it’s just that. I’m not usually so reactive and overly sensitive. Must be PMS. You’d be surprised how my mood can go south once a month like clock work. Usually I’m not sad but irritable though.
I’ve been neglecting my meditation practice too so I am betting that has something to do with my worse than usual PMS irritability. But I was busy with my cleaning and didn’t allow myself the time for meditation. Now I think it has caught up with me. Darn it.
Now I am taking some time to listen to meditation music so I at least can try calming myself down. You know I think it is just the suggestion I need extra help that annoyed me. I want to believe I am already better…yesterday. So having my dad suggest I go every week to counselling offended my ego‘s sensibilities. What a way to have my ego punctured.
My ego has been getting a toe hold lately in my mind, whereas prior to the last week or so I was not bothered by it. Why does my stupid ego have to keep bugging me like this? I don’t need its easily offended presence in my life!
It’s okay I am feeling better now after listening to over an hour of Zen relaxation music on YouTube. Looking at Grumpy Cat on Pinterest was also fun. Hopefully I’m back to my usual not so grumpy self