Remembering My Mom and How We're Strangely Alike

Okay, so if any of you have read this blog or my other one for any period of time you’ll know my mom and I didn’t get on

Artist: Kei Tawara

well together. She had mental illnesses left untreated and abused me in a variety of ways. So me drawing attention to our similarities is indeed a new approach from me. It’s my belief we often clash with the parent most like us and that would be true of my mom and I. Aside from the abuse, she and I had/have intuitive personalities and were/are highly sensitive. Mom was also a believer in karma and some of the spiritual beliefs I have now. She also had psychic abilities which I have inherited, although I don’t really want to claim I’m in anyway psychic because I can’t predict the future(usually) and can’t see dead people or anything paranormal like that (that I know of). But my point was simply we were alike in that respect. We both had a strong value system (when my mother was not ‘switched’ to an introject alter that is) and believe in honesty and having a sense of integrity. Unfortunately, my mom’s illness made her only hold these values some of the time. At other times she was positively irresponsible and seemed to be making things up or was abusive. But when she was in her own personality she was a decent, honourable person. I just wish she could have stayed there more often!

Do you ever wonder how your life would have been different if your parents had been healthier or different in some way? My mom had lots of potential in her youth and could have done anything if she hadn’t been disabled by her past, her childhood that was largely abuse with little else. It makes me sad to think she didn’t get to live the kind of life she could have lived if she’d grown up in a loving, healthy home as a child. Instead she did the best she could but developed a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and had a propensity for disregarding others’ feelings and wishes. In essence, she lacked empathy. There were the odd time she showed empathy but it was always unnatural because she was not like that most of the time. Usually the only thing I could count on was her being unpredictable and chaotic. Small wonder I had anxiety disorders all my life!

When I think about how my mom left work around 30 due to health issues (possibly mental illness?) I can only think of my own situation. At 28 I quit my job and I’m 30 now still unemployed. It scares me to think I’ll end up being a dependent on others for my living situation. I don’t want to go down that path she went down. There needs to be a change because I can’t allow myself to live the way she did.

Angel with dog.

We’re different in lots of ways too though. She had a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, whereas I have an Avoidant Personality Disorder. She never went to therapy (beyond one session) but I spent 10 years going to therapy. Her ability to assess her own mental state was poor, whereas I’ve always been told I am quite good at it (assessing my own mental state). My mom claimed to love animals but killed most of our pets by having them “put to sleep” when they were not to my mother’s liking anymore. I am a vegetarian and have been since 14. I won’t have an animal companion until I’m sure I can afford their vet bills and can look after them well. My mom always wanted children, whilst I never did. From age 5 onward I didn’t want children. Still don’t.

I have a lot of sadness right now as I’m writing this. So much was lost to both my mom and myself. There was much we could have accomplished. I suppose I still have the chance to accomplish a few things but life is short and unpredictable. Maybe my heart will give out on me or I’ll get hit by a truck and die prematurely. Who knows? Nobody knows when they’re going to die so we just have to make sure we’re doing what we love and living our lives fully. You just never know when it will be your ‘end’ so to speak. Mom died of Early On-set Alzheimer’s at age 60, or maybe more accurately of starvation since she stopped eating and drinking. Sh’d spent a long time in a state of cognitive decline though so her death was actually a gift. No more suffering.

I’ll never forget the look on her face the morning she died and had been dead several hours by the time I came to see her. Her face was like a mummy’s in a horror movie. Her cheeks sunken and mouth open, eyes closed. Flesh tightly drawn over her face. I had many dark moments after that thinking about her face. The look wasn’t peaceful. She hadn’t lived a life of peace and she didn’t go peacefully. It’s not socially acceptable to put this kind of stuff in an obit. but I can tell you every time I read someone’s obit where it says they passed peacefully I think “what a crock”. Might be true for some but I bet a lot are just making it easier for people. Same with suicides. Nobody ever writes the cause of death when it’s a suicide. What is it about death that makes us have to sugar coat it?

My apologies for this somewhat somber turn my post has taken. I wanted to highlight the positives but not gloss over the negatives. I wanted to remember the good things about my mom even though there were a lot of bad things too. Mom made my life really difficult but she wasn’t a monster or evil. She suffered a lot as a child and never got past it. As a result she passed it along to me but I managed to get help and go to therapy for my problems. Who knows what sort of life she’d have had if she actually went through therapy, what kind of mother she would have been if she’d been in therapy? These thoughts pass through my mind but they don’t nag at me or cause me any sleepless nights.

I’m at peace with the life I had with my mother. It was far from perfect but she set me on the path to self discovery and spiritual awakening. People who grow up in normal, happy homes don’t generally embark on these things until later in life, if at all. So I’m actually grateful to her for that. We learn the most from our enemies you know. Not to say my mother was my enemy per se, but definitely a difficult figure in my life. Thank the difficult people in your life. They are your biggest teachers.

©Sonamsangmu, 2013.